December 2003

Wednesday 13 gets caught up in the kitchen for some very un-rock n roll behavior...

Today I received an e-mail from a person who claims to be a big fan of my previous band The Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13. He went on to say he was not a big fan of Murderdolls because we are way too popular and FDQ was underground, just like him.

He then continued to say he's a struggling musician on the underground scene and he hasn1t made it yet and that is why he hates Murderdolls. So he first says he is not a big fan and then a few sentences later he says he hates us. I'm reading this and thinking, "who the fuck is this guy and why would I give a big fat fuck what he thinks?". He ends the e-mail with , "I know I'm just wasting my time by writing you but that's just the kind of guy I am."
So basically he's saying he's an opinionated asshole who likes to waste his own time and others as well. It's like everyone is a goddamn critic these days. Write it in the magazines that say I suck or say it on TV, complain about it on a message board, but don't fucking e-mail me, you stupid dick! You can't please everyone and people are entitled to their own opinions, I know this, so love it or hate it, I don't give a fuck. Now that I've vented about that let us move on.

People always want to know what rock stars do when they're at home, it makes the mind wonder what goes on behind the music. One might suspect a member of the Murderdolls to be worshipping the Devil, or sacrificing chickens or something normal like that. Well I can only speak for myself and tell you what this one Murderdoll does. Allow me to take you inside a typical week of Wednesday 13.
My days start with my wife and I waking up at 7am to take our daughter to school then returning home and sleeping 'till about noon. I get up out of bed and check e-mails, some good, some bad, and some from mindless time wasting assholes (see paragraph above). Then I grab some food and watch TV and take a nap. I have to cut the grass on the lawn once a week. I ride on my lawnmower in all black looking kind of like the guys on the horses in the black cloaks in the Lord of the Rings. We always go out and get frozen yogurt in the afternoon, and the night is finished up by watching movies, The Simpsons, Friends, and late night talk shows until we fall asleep. Sounds pretty fucking boring, huh?

Well it is and that's what happens. Boredom kicks in and you are on the prowl to do something. This is when people like me find themselves getting into things they have no business doing. Like what kind of things you ask? How about baking a cake? That's right, baking a cake. I decided it was time for Wednesday 13 to bake a cake. So at 2am in the morning I've got the cake pans out, eggs, the cake mix, along with some Alice Cooper blasting in the background and Hellraiser 2 playing on the television. What could go wrong? Here are your choices: 1. I cut my fingers off with the electric mixer. 2. Cake mix flies everywhere along with my fingers. 3. A fire in the oven? 4. All of the above.  Well, let me tell you what happened: nothing. I didn't make a mess, it was easy and it turned out delicious. I baked a cake, god damn it. I guess the moral of this story is that someone like me is baking cakes. So I leave you with some advice. The next time you're bored or thinking of doing something illegal, like theft or murder, take a deep breath, count to 10 and bake a cake. That's right, bake a cake. You can do it, don't be afraid. You've just got to take a chance, you only live once. Life is a grave. Dig it!

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November

Murderdolls Wednesday 13's evil tour japes�

Being on the road can get very boring, very fast. So to amuse ourselves we start to play jokes on each other. These �jokes' are often cruel and sometimes cause people to get into fights, so you have to have a good sense of humor and patience to travel with us. Maybe after reading this, you too can learn some clever ways to annoy your friends and family!

Since the tour bus is out home while we are out, this is where we cause most of the mayhem that surrounds us. We have a rule on the bus, a "Ghoul � den � rule" to be exact. �Don't fall asleep with your boots on'. This rule is often broken by the people who work for us, but not the band. For example, on our last tour there were two guys who were our guitar techs; Todd and Don. Those guys broke the rule everyday, so we set out to do strange and unusual things to them. In the beginning we just did the average things, like drawing on their faces, giving them moustaches, writing �I like boys' across their foreheads and things like that. After realizing these guys were breaking the rule everyday we had to step it up and see what weird stuff we could get away with.
One of the best things to do to someone is to pour a few drops of fake blood in their ear while they are sleeping. As soon as it goes in their ear they wake up, when they touch their ear to find blood. It is something to really sober you up when you find blood coming from a place it shouldn't be.

On this last tour I carried a bottle of FX liquid latex and I quickly found out how much fun this stuff could be. One night Don fell asleep (or should I say passed out), with a beer can in his hand. So I decided to attach it to his hand with the liquid latex, along with 20 cigarette butts to his face. The liquid latex I used was flesh tone, so to wake up in a drunken state with a beer can stuck to your hand is odd, but as you pull it off it appears that you skin is sticking to the can. I imagine that this is a horrifying thing to experience while you're drunk!
Once we attached cotton balls to his face and played Christmas music in the background because he looked so much like Santa Claus. Don was the easiest to get because nothing could wake him up, but Todd was a little tougher.
The only true victory we got on Todd was shaving off one of his eyebrows, smearing black around his eyes and giving him a little Hitler moustache. The best thing about it was he didn't even know that we had done to him and walked off the bus and everyone looked at him like he was insane. He hated that he only had one eyebrow so he willingly let us shave off the other!
Another cruel joke is to fill a persons pillowcase with potato chips. This works great for someone who is really exhausted after a long day and just crawls in their bunk and lays their head on the pillow to hear �crunch!!!'

Jokes are fun but when they happen to you, sometimes you've just got to laugh it off. Acey got me really good one night when I had a few too many to drink. I had just taken off my boots and was about to crawl into my bunk and pas out when he said that there was an emergency and that someone was calling from home. He handed me a phone � at least I thought was a phone. I'm saying, �hello' but no one was answering so I tell everyone around me to shut up because I can't hear the person on the line. Then I say �hello', again. Still no answer. Then I realize everyone is laughing at me. I pull the phone down from my ear to find that it is actually the remote control to the television. Even as drunk as I was I realized that this was funny.
One day someone is going to get me back and I'm going to pay for all the things I've done but until that day comes I'm going to see how much humiliation and stress I can cause for those around me�

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October 2003

Wednesday reminisces on some of his legendary on-stage antics�

"Sitting on top of the world�and the world is toilet". It seems no matter how hard you try to get somewhere and reach some level of success in your life where you've achieved something; you'll never escape the assholes or the shit.

You can always smell it and it's always around you. You're either standing in it, about to step in it, or its being thrown on you. Now that we are off tour for a while, I'm back home trying to settle back into civilian life and escape the dumb shit of the music business. I've been out several times around town, and I've run into a lot of people from my past. Back here where I live there are usually two reactions amongst all the local musicians to what I've done with the Murderdolls. There are the bitter jealous ones, and then there are the ones who say they always believed in me. Yeah, they believed in me alright � they believed I was out of my fucking mind for many years! These are the same people who would shake their heads in disbelief and laugh me off as a god damn joke. They thought I as a lunatic for some of the stage antics I pulled off in local clubs.

Maybe I was a complete fucking lunatic. I didn't sit around trying to be the best guitar player or the best fucking singer. I knew what I wanted to know, and that was good enough. My major goal was to get my band on a major label and tour the world and become a rock star. Now looking back on the things I used to do, I can understand why the labels stayed away. I always loved to shock people with the strangest things I could come up with. The mission was to make them never forget me no matter if they loved me or hated me.
The opening of a show had to be the most memorable thing for me. So one time I thought it would be cool to come out of a plastic children size swimming pool filled with milk and cereal holding a giant spoon. Yes, as dumb and retarded as it sounds, but I did it and I think it was really disturbing for the 50 people in attendance. How about the time we came out and played one song, walked off, came back out and played the same song again, walked off, came back on and played it again, walked off, again, again and again, it was like the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. We wanted to see if we could make the people think they were on drugs and hallucinating, but in fact it came off, as we were the ones on drugs. Live animals always go over great as well, like the time I threw live fish into the audience and smashed a few on stage with a baseball bat. Or how about the cannibal chicken incident? This is where we would feed our pet chicken, Omar, pieces of fried chicken on stage. It was great because he would eat it and love it; this was also a great reaction with the audience. Once I threw a pack of firecrackers from the stage into the lap of a person in a wheelchair. I admit that wasn't a very nice thing to do, but nonetheless a very interesting reaction from the disabled person. Dressing in drag, using farm animals, children's toys, fireworks and breakfast cereal as stage props usually doesn't prime you up to major label status. One rejection letter from a major label of note said that they were not interested in us; they went on to say that we should be beaten for our stupidity and dumb songs. Some people would hang their heads in defeat, but this was a sign of victory in my mind.

Why? I don't know, I just thought it was a great reaction, good or bad we got someone's attention. This is what the people in my hometown remembers me as and that's okay with me. Good guy, bad guy, idiot, genius, they can call me what they want, but at least they remembered me enough to call me something.

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September 2003

How to piss off an extremely huge British metal band, by Murderdolls' Wednesday 13.

Back to the future is a really good movie, I really enjoyed watching it. But did I ever imagine that I would get to experience it first hand? Did I fuck! Well, as it happened, me and my ghoulishly pale bandmates ventured back in time on a recent European tour. What the fuck am I talking about? Let me explain�
I'm talking about five weeks on the road with Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden is a great band, we grew up listening to them, so touring Europe with them was a surreal and unforgettable experience. Playing in front of 10,000 people every night was incredible. The present day Iron Maiden audience pretty much looks like the audience that went to see them in 1982. Jean jackets and long hair pour into the venue every night - it's fucking time travel. The last thing these people want to see is guys with lipstick and dreadlocks. We walked out every night to the Maiden chant. In between songs? The Maiden chant. As we walked off? The Maiden chant. I could hear it in my fucking sleep. Every night we walked out onto a battlefield and had to bust our asses to get a reaction from these people. About ninety percent of the time we'd pull it off. So the last thing we needed was another war offstage. So what did we start?
The story goes something like this: The Murderdolls and Iron Maiden check into a shitty little air-conditioning-free hotel in Croatia. It's so fucking hot it's killing us just to sit still. So we decide to nip out and drink a few beers. We find some bars, get fucked up, and head back to the hotel around 3am.
Everyone in the hotel is asleep with their windows open, so we decide to put a stop to that shit right away and start a wrestling match in the parking lot. You know, full WWF style - screaming, 'Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!' and so on. Nothing unusual for us. Then we hear people yelling, 'Shut up! We're trying to sleep here!' All that sort of shite. We shout back with clever responses such as, 'Kiss my ass buddy', 'You fucking whore', and the old chestnut, 'You're all going to Heeeelll!'
We don't even realize the people yelling at us are Iron Maiden's crew. These people we have to work with every day - they could really make it difficult for us if they wanted to. Basically we fucked ourselves right over. Not content with the shit we've caused outside, we try and see what we can fuck up inside. We find a fire hose, tug it out, and leave it in a knot in the hallway. Then we play 'throw shit out the window'. Ashtrays, beer bottles, chicken, television controls... until we pass out.
A few hours later I get up to my tour manager shaking his head at me. "What in the bloody hell did you fuckers do last night?" he asks. "The Maiden crew didn't get any sleep because of you assholes and they had to be up at 6am!"
At this stage I had no fucking recollection of what had gone down and had to have it explained to me. "You guys better go buy some fucking flowers" says manager man. "You'll be lucky if they don't kick you off the tour."
So we buy some flowers, write some dubious apologies and tell everyone we were stupid assholes and had no idea what we were doing. After a couple of days, they forgive us and things get back to normal. Or as normal as things can be around us, because touring with us is like touring with mental patients. So to those who we have already made miserable and to those in the future that we are going to make miserable, er�Sorry.

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August 2003

Murderdolls front-man Wednesday 13 on 30,000 Feet And Fucked Up!

I hate flying. I've watched too many fucking movies, so I'm terrified. I've had some scary flights before and everyone in my band knows I'm a chickenshit when it comes to flying. I guess I picked the wrong fucking profession to be afraid to fly. Here are the top five movies not to watch before flying.
1. Alive - this is based on a true story about a soccer team who crash in the Andes. It scares me to death but its also cool because the people turn into cannibals to survive.
2. Final Destination - another really scary fucking scene showing people being sucked from a plane.
3. Fight Club - I made the mistake of watching this while in-flight� I forgot about the plane scene. I fucked up.
4. Almost Famous - this rules! apart from the plane scene in the storm, where all the band confess to their innermost secrets 'cos they think they're gonna crash!
5. Airplane - this isn't scary at all, but I couldn't think of another flying move and I needed a top 5.
So anyway, we're on our way back from Japan, which is about an 11 hour flight, and we hit some major turbulence. Whenever you see the stewardess take a seat and strap herself in, you know it's bad.
The plan's shaking, dropping and whipping around. Out the window, the wings look as though they're flapping like a goddamn bird. I'm turning green by this point and I've got a cold sweat. My life is flashing before me. I look over a Joey and he's chugging at a bottle of red wine, saying 'ah fuck it'.
I'm not drunk at all, and I really wish I was. So after about 15 minutes of this horrifying ordeal the plane finally comes out of the fucking turbulence but I'm stressed and fucking freaked out so it's time to drink. "Vodka please!" Now, I hate vodka but that's all they have that I can tolerate, so here I go. Joey and I are deep in rock'n'roll discussion, slamming shots of vodka, talking about the band we love. An hour goes by.
Eric joins in the rock'n'roll discussion. Two hours go by. Hour Three: we are in deep in rock'n'roll discussion and everyone else is asleep on the plane. Hour Four comes along and we are fucked up, and I mean FUCKED UP. Here's what happens: I'm zoning out, slobbering on myself and I look over at Joey. He's got the vomit bag out but misses and soaks his Motley Crue 'Too Fast For Love' shirt in red wine vom. I think this is the funniest goddamned thing in the world, as do Joey and Eric. We're laughing so loud that the stewardess comes over and says, "No more alcohol for you!" She looks terrified of us (hey - I can understand why!). So now we're on the prowl for alcohol. It's not like we need more anyway, but I don't realize until I stand up just how drunk I really am. Holy fuck, I can't close my eyes! I'm spinning and it feels like the plane's going down, except it's only me! I go to the bathroom just to chill out and try to relax, sitting on the toilet looking into the mirror, talking to myself then pass out. I wake up an hour or so later with no idea where I am. I actually think I'm in a hospital because of the bright lights. Holy shit, I can't believe I passed out in the bathroom. I stand up and my head's still spinning, so I give up and just lay down on the floor and pass out for another hour or two. I wake up and walk out looking like a serial killer while everyone is having breakfast. They're all staring at me like I'm a terrorist and all I can do is just sit in my chair and pass out again.
When you look up and see a plane flying overhead, remember that this could be playing out 30,000 feet above you.

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