July 2003

Jesus is everywhere. Not a good thing says Wednesday 13

Holy fucking shit! Jesus is everywhere! If you don't believe me you just take a look around. I've been home for the past three months on a break from the Murderdolls and I've seen Jesus everywhere. I live in what's called the bible belt, churches on every street corner - Jesus here, Jesus there, Jesus is everywhere… hey, that rhymed.
The popular thing where I live among the local churches is they have a marquee out front with a clever (in their minds only) quote referring to Jesus. For example, 'Jesus accepts knee mail,' or 'Wal-mart isn't the only saving place.' Stupid shit like that. They actually compete in the area to see who has the most clever quote.
Another popular Jesus thing is the, "We still pray' bumper stickers. They are on about 50 percent of the cars in the state of North Carolina. I've made my own merchandise to compete with their stickers; 'We still Prey' t-shirts!
The locals don't seem to like it too much, so I know I'm doing my job. Jesus is right next door to me as well. My neighbor spotted me carrying some garbage to the street and he decided to be a good guy and help me out. He said, 'hey buddy let me give you a hand,' so I said, 'okay.' He helped me out and then he threw a Jesus suckerpunch, he said, 'man, I'd love you to come down and attend my church, I'm the preacher there.' I just said, 'no thanks, see ya later, have a nice day, goodbye.' Then he said, 'you mean you don't have time for Jesus?' I said, 'no.' Then he said, 'what are you gonna do when he doesn't have time for you"/
Clever comeback. I just walked away, but I was thinking how great it would be if he didn't have time for me at all and he would just leave me the fuck alone.
I was at the mall the other day just minding my own fucking business sitting by the water fountain and a little kid, maybe seven years old, approached me. 'Are you Christian?' she asked. I thought she was asking me if my name was Christian, but then she said, 'are you a Christian, do you believe in God?'
I couldn't believe a little kid was asking me this! I said, 'no, go away!' Then she proceeded to tell me that, 'I was gonna burn in hell.' I said, 'cool, like the Twisted Sister song!"
She didn't get it.
She told me that she had thrown two pennies in the fountain and made two wishes. One wish was that she had a sister and the other wish was that everyone was Christian. I told her that would take more than a penny and a wish. She came back again two minutes later and asked me, 'have you ever been to Chucky Cheese?' [Chunky Cheese is a birthday party restaurant for kids, with video games and rides and shit like that.] I told her, 'yeah, I've been there.' She said, 'that's what heaven is like.'
Wow, holy shit, heaven is like Chucky Cheese? What am I doing here living on earth when I could spend eternity in Chucky Cheese? That would be the greatest.
Jesus is everywhere. Acey and I were checking into a hotel the other day but he wasn't there to help with our luggage. So we get to our room and who's sitting in our room in the drawer of the nightstand, in his most popular book, the holy bible. You know, I don't have a problem with people's beliefs but just don't force them on me. Don't put a bible in my hotel, don't tell me that heaven's Chucky Cheese, don't carry my garbage out and then invite me to your church. Just stay away and keep your Jesus on a leash.
Sin-cerely fuck you.

*back to top*

June 2003

Murderdolls Wednesday 13 shoots the breeze from the 7th grade and getting his head kicked in.

Welcome boys and ghouls to another edition of Wednesday 13 theatre. This tale comes from the 7th grade - my first year of middle school. The first day of school was fucking scary. Three schools had mixed together to make up the 7th grade, which pretty much meant I was a stranger. I had the same girlfriend from the 6th grade and over the summer, but I really didn't keep in touch with her all that often. I thought she was still my girlfriend: WRONG.

I'm at my locker hanging up pictures of Motley Crue and Twisted Sister. This tall guy approaches me, 'hey dip-shit,' he says. I look around hoping this guy was not talking to me. "You got a girlfriend named Cathy?" he asks. "Yeah," I say back to him. "That's my girlfriend, motherfucker!" he screams and pushes me into my locker. He punches me in the stomach and tells me if he ever hears me say she's my girlfriend again he'll kill me. He smacks me in the forehead and walks off laughing with his friends.
I'm left in front of all these strangers, picking my pride and dignity off the floor and then out of nowhere some other big dude walks up and tears my pictures of the Crue and Twisted Sister out of my locker saying "get these fagots outta here." Everyone is laughing at me and I'm humiliated.
I was a small, skinny, pale kid that must have had 'Please fuck with me' written across my head.
My gym class was filled with the 16-year-old kids who had to repeat the class because they failed it three times. These bastards were bitter wolves on the prowl for innocent prey. I was one of their main courses.

Over the years I got pushed down stairs, my underwear ripped and pulled up the crack of my ass, my tooth chipped on a bench in the gym, slapped, punched, kicked, gouged and beaten - these types of things went on for weeks and weeks. I eventually started wearing padding under my clothes so it would not hurt when they'd hit me. Or I'd just skip the class and hide on school buses or behind bushes in the freezing cold. So what did I do in retaliation? Did I come to school with a gun? No, I did nothing at all. The school year passed, I made one or two friends and moved on. The sweet revenge? Right Fucking Now. When these guys weren't tormenting me I would hear them sitting around talking about how they were going to start bands and be rock stars. They were all local musicians before I had even attempted learning guitar or singing. So what did they end up doing? Nothing/
Actually most of those guys are in prison. I saw one of the bullies about a year ago going down the highway in the backseat of a car that his mom was driving - must be nice having chauffer service from your mom at age 30.

You know I really think good things come to those who are patient and wait, and I waited, and I waited, I took a lot of shit, and now I'm living my dream. I would love to go back in time and kick their fucking heads in, but in a weird way I'm kinda doing it now with just being who I am and doing what I do.

From the rock n' roll world to cell block 309 - Fuck You! Oh yeah, and don't drop the soap.

*back to top*

May 2003

Murderdolls' Wednesday 13 on how being a geek is actually cool…

I've met a lot of people since the Murderdolls began, Every type of person you can think of-Goths, punks, straightedge, Christians, Satanists, country, retard, yellow, black, every kind of weirdo possible, and yes me and my band are included on that list as well!

The interesting thing is each has a different view on certain things and that's what makes us individuals. So let me discuss what pisses me off about some of these people and the way they think.
First off, I don't believe people are born cool, we all were dorks and nerds at some point, some of us progressed and some didn't (me). I hate that a lot of people (particularly musicians) don't have the courage to admit where they came from or what they used to be into, or just admit they like something regardless of how mainstream it is. I have always made it a point to be honest and not deny the things I was into and grew up on. I bought a lot of records that were shit and I bought a lot that were fucking great. So what if I exceeded the limits of buying every hair metal band that got a record deal from the time I was 13 'til I was 18.

I won't expose you, you know who you are, but just be aware that there are people out there that your are not as cool as you claim to be. Basically I'm saying it's okay to grow up and learn about music on your own. Everything you are into does not have to be approved by the general public, nor should you be looked down on for being into something at one point in your life, just don't deny it. My band is associated with the darker, gothic, punk audience, but I didn't come out of my mother wearing black lipstick, dreadlocks, and a lip ring. I lived and learned and finally became what I am today. I went to elementary school with a blonde bowl haircut obsessed with GI Joe and Rambo, then I went to middle school with blonde hair and a Twisted Sister logo drawn on my jean jacket. I got the shit kicked out of me from time to time and took a lot of shit for what I was into. I dyed my hair black in the tenth grade because of Alice Cooper, W.A.S.P. and bands like LA Guns. Oh no, did I admit that? Am I not cool now?
Murderdolls were on Dawson's Creek, oh no we sold out. Did we? The word "sellout" is used quite a bit these days. The way certain people claim that others have sold out, really brings up an argument. Just because a band gets popular does not mean that they sold out. I was in an unknown band for seven years. I've been accused of selling out by leaving my band to start this one. I've been accused of stealing my own songs-go figure that one out. Here is my clever anti-selling out plan you should all try. If it's popular don't buy it, that goes for food, soda whatever. Don't drink Coke or Pepsi because they sold out, buy a generic Cola instead. Don't go to McDonald's, buy a hamburger from an underground street vendor. Wait a minute, I'm selling out by using this computer and e-mailing it to the Hammer offices, the Internet is too popular. I think I'll just mail it by the post office. Oh no I can't do that, that's popular too, everyone uses mail. Maybe I'll just fly to the UK and hand deliver it, but I'll have to fly on an underground airline because US AIR would be selling out. If the pilot is a punk rocker I'll make sure he likes the real punk rock bands and not Blink 182 and Greenday because they are too commercially accepted and that would be selling out.

Sound stupid? Well that's just popular opinion put in print. The whole world's stupid, and now you are just a bit more stupid having read this.

*back to top*